How Not To Lose Weight.

If you are looking for an inspirational post, move on now, nothing to see here.

The following is my tried and trusted way to avoid any and all weight loss.

Choose an up coming event, preferably something two months hence, to be your target.

It's important to make sure all treats are out of the house, the best way to do this is to consume ALL of them yourself before beginning.

Set your goal weight loss, start with something realist and then double it, a challenge is good.

Where possible buy a whole new set of gym gear, although realistically you will possibly only get out for a walk and never see the inside of a gym,  it's still nice to look the part.

Begin on a Monday. Get up early, do your HIIT workout, have the ubiquitous poached egg on "avo" for breakfast ( is there anything more annoying than Irish people pretending to be Aussies and calling avocados 'avos'!!!)

Because you are feeling virtuous you do a second HIIT Monday evening...committed or what.

Wake up Tuesday unable to move, shed tears as you try to sit on the toilet,curse those Sumo squats, decide that two months is probably too long a run-in, defer all further attempts at weight loss until nearer the time.

Three weeks before aforementioned event, break into a sweat at the thought of getting into that dress, not so much of a sweat that you might lose a pound, but a sweat nonetheless.

Spend the next three mornings running the roads like a mad woman.

Convince yourself that you still have time.

Drink ALL the wine at the weekend, and by weekend I mean Thursday to Sunday inclusive, because you deserve it.

With two weeks to go accept that it's never going to happen, accept that you and the dress will never be friends.

Make voodoo dolls of all those 'if I can do it so can you' instagrammers and start flicking wine corks at them.

Resolve to take a more measured approach next time, while secretly admitting there may never be a next time.

Buy a bigger dress.